When we were planning our wedding, Kristen and I talked about names. I started from the assumption that she would be taking mine; she started from the assumption that we would make that decision together.
So I told her that I had always believed my wife would take my name, that it seemed natural. That I would feel awkward otherwise. She talked about giving up that part of her identity and I pretended like I understood. I waxed on about starting a new family and how we would want to have the same name.
Here is the thing, though. On a really fundamental level the person that wants to have a conversation is always correct. She knew I was being an asshole (are cusses okay on this list? I waffled on the terminology but I was a real dick about the name thing) but instead of getting angry she kept talking to me, and I got it through my head that just because something is socially common doesn't mean it's not a burden.
We picked a new name, for our new family, and that's how we became the Maderas.
James Madera
[email protected]
Harrisburg PA
ps i'm not telling you how to live your life but if you're going to do this get his name changed before the wedding so it's free to change hers after, otherwise changing names is hundreds of dollars
pps i'm seriously not defending my behavior through that process, I'm still a little ashamed of my baseline assumption, but I figured it's worth acknowledging because I guarantee a lot of decent people have struggled with that, feel free to email me with whatever thoughts you have on the subject!