Warning… I will ramble. I'm talking about diet, weight loss, and I absolutely will use the word fat and there’s some kink stuff tossed in for fun!
I've always had a love hate relationship with my body. I loved my boobs, but hated my fat, round stomach, big hips. I loved my shoulders but not my thick thighs and calves .... cuz spending $100’s on special order tall boots that actually fit my fat legs sucks.
I've been fat for most of my life. It's another description for me, just like short, sassy, creative are some of the many others. They don't define all of me. I wasn’t going to hide at home because I was fat - in fact, I’d say that Fetlife and kink events in general have helped me feel more comfortable. I wore the short skirts and all the other things that made me feel sexy at events these fetish events. Shopping was always frustrating though and absolutely more expensive as a plus size woman.
In March 2016, with the help of an awesome doctor and my amazingly supportive partner and friends, I decided to make a change. I switched to a diet that avoided starchy carbs and sugars.
This isn't something I talk about publicly. Partially because I don't know how to and because, I fully recognize that some people find weight loss/diets triggering
I feel for the awkward on your faces. I saw some family that I haven’t seen in over a year. Some conversations sucked. I recognize that sometimes you’re not quite sure what to say. I try to remember your intent . “you look incredible now” You don’t mean I looked awful before. Or the “you must feel really great now” comments. Honestly? I felt great before too because feeling shitty and sorry for myself wasn't an option -- that wasn't a life I wanted to live.
I don't really want to be celebrated for losing 80+ pounds and dropping about 5 or more sizes in clothes because ‘conforming to societal idea of beauty’ wasn't my intent. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit part of me is okay hearing it -- does that make me vain? Am I part of this problem? Can I really believe and support the body positivity movement and when actively trying to lose weight? Some think I can’t. Meh -- I don’t care what they think. We all deserve the happy.
Acknowledgement of my hard work and commitment is always appreciated! I worked hard every day and made choices. Some days it took every ounce of determination that I could find, and others just floated by.
I could do without the eye rolls and “I could never stop eating that” when you ask my secret. Seriously F-off. You judge me for being fat and judge how I change. I won't win so there's no point playing that game.
I really didn’t enjoy being in photos in the past, so looking back now for “before” pictures is actually difficult because so few of them exist. I’m actively changing that and jumped in ALL. THE .PHOTOS. at my little sisters wedding last month.
I'm always finding reasons to celebrate progress with my new way of life:
I can wrap a regular sized towel all the way around me, tuck it in and still be all covered!!!
I can almost shop anywhere now!!! I’m not banished to the $$$$ fat girl only stores.
My bras are significantly cheaper and my stay up thigh highs actually stay up!
I’m way more flexible now too which leads to all kinds of awesome things *wink*
It’s still surreal seeing my collar bone or feeling new parts of my body that were once covered in layers of fat when I’m laying naked in bed. I actually caught a quick glimpse of someone in the mirror at a club a few months back and wondered who was standing so close behind us. I legit didn’t recognize it was me! I spent 10 years with this body -- It’s going to take some time to get used to it again.
Ashleigh
Toronto