Shoutout to Heather LeFevre, author of my first marketing book (Brain Surfing) that I’ve ever read.
Winning the listserve lotto could not have come at a better time.
TL;DR
1. If you have a hunch to not fully open up to or trust someone, trust your instinct.
2. There are people out there who won’t understand you. Don’t get too involved with those who don’t even try to.
3. Don’t change for someone else- the need to change should come from yourself.
4. Make sure to build a circle of good, trustworthy friends and remember to do your part on your side of the friendship.
5. Hearing is not the same as listening.
Before the start of 2016, I was hurting over someone who led me on for two months.
Before the start of 2017, I was hurting over someone who I thought was a good friend for a year.
It took me several months to get over what happened a bit before 2016, and I now wonder how long it’ll take me to fully get over what happened two weeks ago.
The difference in pain from the two scenarios is that the first comes with an expectation of getting hurt. It comes with a burden to be cautious around that person until you can trust them enough to call them your significant other.
The second scenario only comes with an expectation to drift apart, but there is hardly a burden. When you think of someone as a good friend, there’s a certain level of trust that has been built. You can easily be yourself around them and they won’t judge you for it because they’ve already accepted who you are.
It’s hard to say which pain hurts more. Although it took me nearly half a year to get over a guy I liked, the immediate pain that hit me when I saw how easily that good friend could throw away a year’s friendship over misunderstandings felt so much worse. Seeing someone bark insults while not listening to what you’re saying, and not understanding why you were as upset is something I won’t forget for a while. He’s someone who I thought I could be myself around, understood me and my flaws and still accepted me- an illusion that dissolved within a half hour debacle. I asked for a talk with the hope that he’d understand my point, only to come out with full confirmation that we were no longer going to be good friends. Today, I can’t even say we’ll be friends.
There were several red flags through the year that we talked. Repeating them now makes me scared of the fact that there are people who think this way about others, so I won’t. I’ll simply address them instead.
1. People are not toys or books. You don’t discard them after you get bored or think you’ve “read through all the chapters” (I don’t even know what you could’ve possibly read about anybody considering your horrendous ability to listen to others anyway)
2. Getting to know someone takes time, and when someone’s opening up to you even just a bit- grab it just by listening to what they’re saying. You can’t demand an interesting story, receive one, and then not even listen.
3. Hearing how you talk about other people, including your mother, I always knew to keep my distance. Thank goodness I did.
4. Some people may not be as logical as you think you are, but through all the stories you’ve ever told me, I’ve learned the difference between reasonable and logical.
5. Even when you’re ranting about someone, don’t leave out parts of the story where you’ve done wrong. Admit to your own faults.
6. Per the argument we had:
Don’t tell anyone to change who they are
Don’t tell anyone to do anything when you haven’t even tried to understand where they’re coming from
When you retell the argument to others, I wish you wouldn’t funnel the story to favor your side
After the argument, I felt like I had no more friends. He was really the only person I would talk to one-on-one regularly. Besides him, I wasn’t really active on social media and I normally wouldn’t initiate private messages unless I had some sort of business to take care of. However, as the days went on, I realized all the good I did have around me. Although we didn’t talk on a regular basis, I knew they were there when I needed them. I’ve been myself, they know my flaws, and most importantly- they listened. I never second guessed their character and what they thought of people. They’ve seen me at my worst and sometimes I would take a step back and wonder why they stay.
Many good things can come out of one bad thing if you look. I’ve grown even more of an appreciation for my friends, and learned that I need to show and mend it. I’m also now trying to kick the habit of complaining about people and things; I’ve just grown so tired of it and I want to not only be surrounded by good vibes, but also emit them.
To end this incredibly long listserve...
I learned who I was and want to be. Being insulted and told you need to change by someone whom you trusted can be brutal at first. It seeps into your mind and makes you believe their words. I thought I was the shittiest person in the world with the meanest demeanor. Thankfully, as if a eureka moment, I realized I am a nice person. I have trouble communicating what I really mean, but I know I’m always considering others and I never do or say anything with mal-intent. I do have my flaws, but so does everyone else, and I can never trust someone who refuses to understand that fact.
Sydney
New York City