It is with great anticipation that we minions of Hell read your emails daily. Your pleas for advice and intimacy are simply delightful. Your desperate attempts to distract yourselves from the meaningless vacuum of mortality…delicious. We are your biggest fans. On behalf of Recruitment and Retention, I thank you for this chance to address you all, and, if I may be so bold, perhaps, reduce your suffering?
Why be satisfied with the ephemera of cat videos and Emo? Why rely solely on snatches of poetry and Paulo Coelho when, with just a few drops of blood, all obstacles can be rendered obsolete?
Would you like the answer to the Universe’s burning mysteries?
Does your ex deserve an untreatable strain of genital wart?
Would you like to be paid for your internship?
Well, boy, does the Dark Lord have a fantastic offer for you! A simple swap: a soul for success.
We know that over the centuries Hell’s reputation as an upstanding and trustworthy organization has been tarnished. No one is more aware of the need for change than the Dark Lord himself. After completing an online MBA this June, Satan has overseen a complete re-org and we are bringing new opportunities directly to you!
Now you may be thinking: Mephistopheles, I have many people that need killing but I don’t want to give up my soul for eternity. Do you have an option for me?
Yes! Under our new Soul Licensing Agreement, you have the opportunity to earn back your soul. It’s our new Damnation And Salvation approach to demonic assistance.
Earn? Mephistopheles, what could I possibly offer that Hell does not already possess?
Another worthy question, ListServant. The answer: friends and family. Friends and family with souls! Each of your social networking presences could become the perfect platform to put you back on the path to soul ownership. At a 5% recuperation rate per soul harvested, in as little as twenty souls you may be back in God’s good graces.*
But Mephistopheles, I’m a stay-at-home mother with six bratty children, I don’t have time to harvest the souls of my high school friends and dead-beat cousins. What can I do?
As a mark of his true genius, Satan has a plan for you, too. For any of your harvested souls that enroll in the D&S plan, you will earn 5% of their soul recuperation. 0.25% of a soul for sitting at home watching Ellen. How generous is that!?! Harvest two or three, really well-networked souls, and you will see dividends from their attempts to reclaim their soul for eternity!
Just think about your old roommate, y’know the righteous one with the big family, the one who’s forever guilting people into doing stupid stuff, then complaining about how they do it. If you could just sign her soul, you know she’ll earn both of yours back in no time!*
Damnation and salvation as promised.
In short, when you’re looking in the mirror tonight, just consider a glorious future of indentured servitude to the Dark Lord. We are always on standby and await your summoning.
*Souls entered into the Damnation and Salvation program are subject to a 21.88% interest rate compounded annually
Mephistopheles, Director of Recruitment
Eighth Circle of Hell
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