That Time I Farted On Matt Dillon

June 28 2015

I recently started watching that new show Wayward Pines. As great as the show is, I keep finding myself reminiscing about the time I farted on the show's lead, Matt Dillon. Let me paint the scene.

The Time: 2006, Lindsay Lohan was the hottest star in Hollywood and Facebook was a means to show how popular you were and not for old people sharing pictures of their grandchildren (I know what my nephew looks like Mom).
The Place: Some swanky restaurant in Tribeca. It must have been for some special occasion as I don't frequent swanky restaurants or Tribeca. Possibly the fart was premeditated, I dunno, I was 16 and I've drank a lot of booze since then.

The Story: I finished my meal and shortly thereafter nature called. What's an acne riddled boy supposed to do? Fart on Matt Dillon. Wait no, I'm getting ahead of myself. Go to the bathroom, that's what I did. The men's room in this place was one of those bathrooms where it's just a urinal and a stall, it was up for debate on whether or not it is for individual use or for the masses. I went ahead and made the call in my mind, this bathroom must be a private, one person, leave me alone kind of bathroom. So I go to the urinal and start doing my thing. At this point I should mention the music was quite loud in there, playing the popular hit of the time (probably It's Goin' Down or some such nonsense). Because of the blaring music, I failed to hear Matt Dillon not respect the laws I set in my mind about this being a private bathroom, entered and then stood behind me waiting for the urinal. Unaware of my visitor, I let one rip, better there than on someone's entree in the restaurant. It eventually comes time to flush and turn around and I see the man who would one day star in You, Me, and Dupree. At first I was just surprised to see someone there, then I realized who the guy was. I apologized (while suppressing laughter) and left the bathroom.

Epilogue: A week or so later, M. Deezy (when you share a bond like that, you get to give each other pet names) was at the Oscars and lost for Best Supporting Actor for the film Crash, where he played some shmuck that did shmucky things. It really bums me out, I was really banking on being able to say I farted on an Oscar winner. Maybe he'll win an Emmy for his role on Wayward Pines, but saying you farted on an Emmy winner just isn't the same.

That's my story, sorry for the toilet humor.

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New York City

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