I miss the days of canned salmon

November 12 2014

Winter means more time spent being productive and less time spent shaving my legs. I have a dog that looks like a loaf of bread, and I rely on my iPhone to tell me when I am about to start my period.

In my fridge right now all I have is expired almond milk, raspberries, and like 8 different kinds of cheese. I'm really trying to be a better cook, and I have finally mastered the milk to cereal ratio – now I can move on to more challenging recipes like microwave rice and sandwiches.

I tried online dating for a while, and then I went on a first date with a guy who asked me if I had ever had an abortion, and another with a guy who showed me a picture of a unicorn onesie that he proudly owned.

Let me paint you the picture of a guy who is 6 feet tall (or taller), 250 lbs (or bigger), definitely has a beard, maybe some freckles and is hopefully a ginger. If you are actually picturing a real live person who meets these criteria and is single and not a murderer, please email me.

I would also welcome your emails for the following:

-Book recommendations

-If you or someone you know has fought or is currently fighting cancer, I would like to have Texas 4000 dedicate a ride to you/them.

-If you are a basic bitch who wants to commiserate about how miserably impossible it is to find a good man these days, and how your grandpa also probably told you that our generation is going to extinct the human race because we aren't making enough babies.

-If you have something to say that no one else will listen to.

-If you are just DYING to send a picture to someone bragging about how cute your dog is, I'm your girl.

Fighting Cancer Every Mile,

Jessica Friedman
[email protected]
Austin, Texas

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