I’m sharing thoughts from the notebooks I’ve been keeping for the last fifteen years:
- I know I’m ready to work when I’ve drank enough coffee to give myself diarrhea.
- House hunting is incredibly boring, they never move.
- On the first day God created the heavens and the earth, because he had to start somewhere.
- I’ve probably taken over five hundred boredom-showers.
- Did you hear the story about the dog that swam across the Atlantic Ocean to retrieve a tennis ball from Wimbledon? Sounds far-fetched.
- It’s the same old fish out of water story every time I go to sushi.
- “OCD” turned sideways looks like someone washing their hands in a sink.
- How is he so relaxed, walking down the Champs-Élysées wearing shoes he cleans in the dishwasher? [on my dad’s Crocs]
- Suck a mile of dick. If it’s a 6” dick that’s 10560 up and downs.
- Monogamy is when you have one wife. Monotony, too.
- Every family has secrets, probably. It’s impossible to know since they don’t share them.
- At least Sisyphus had a job.
- “Blunt Force Trauma” TV show about a Rastafarian paramedic.
- In the entire Bible not one person gets hit in the nuts.
- Kristy wore vintage clothes. They were new but covered in wine.
- Elvis = Levis, all shook up.
- The greatness of humans over animals is proven by this sentence.
- Movie idea: “Priestly” Jason Priestly plays a Catholic priest with a wandering eye at an all-girls school.
- Pizza is a grilled cheese sandwich with half the effort.
- Isn’t it weird that “prefix” has a prefix?
- “I have no pride,” said the orphaned lion.
- I’m holding myself back. And that takes a lot of flexibility.
- “In the beginning God created heaven and earth and vampires...” [beginning to a bestselling novel]
- Jesus saves, but what good did it do him? He didn’t even retire.
- The word “efficient” isn’t.
- The man who said human beings aren’t reflective never looked in a mirror.
- If Shakespeare’s so great why don’t people write like him anymore?
- Thank god for all the wars, without them there’d never be history.
- Keeping your head above water is suicide for a fish.
- How did people sleep before pillows?
- I was watching the television for hours yesterday. I got bored, so I turned it on.
- If, once a year, we had to take a bite of a homeless person, we’d treat them much differently.
- “Speaking the truth is painful, but try hearing it!”
- I’m terrified I’ll be playing iTunes shuffle at a party and one of my recorded therapy sessions will comes on.
- What do you call it when two hippies pass away at the same time? Tie die.
- Nothings says, “I don’t want to do more than I absolutely have to,” than fastening only one clip of your overalls.
- It’s hard to convince a girl to sleep with you after you’ve mocked her dream catcher.
- You say who cares about punctuation. I say, “H.I.V., Free!”
- Boogers evolved to be tasty to prevent us from suffocating.
- Why do obese sluts like fascist governments? Dick taters.
- Meat is murder, but only like third or fourth degree.
- Do you think meerkats feel diminished by their name?
- One day I hope to say this sentence, “Chill baby, I’ve got a dental dam.”
- Corn Maze. Isn’t that redundant?
I am grateful I got to share with y’all. Would love to hear you.