We are our thoughts, god help us...

May 30 2014

I’m sharing thoughts from the notebooks I’ve been keeping for the last fifteen years:

-  I know I’m ready to work when I’ve drank enough coffee to give myself diarrhea.

-  House hunting is incredibly boring, they never move.

-  On the first day God created the heavens and the earth, because he had to start somewhere.

-  I’ve probably taken over five hundred boredom-showers.

-  Did you hear the story about the dog that swam across the Atlantic Ocean to retrieve a tennis ball from Wimbledon?  Sounds far-fetched.

-  It’s the same old fish out of water story every time I go to sushi.  

-  “OCD” turned sideways looks like someone washing their hands in a sink.

-  How is he so relaxed, walking down the Champs-Élysées wearing shoes he cleans in the dishwasher?  [on my dad’s Crocs]

-  Suck a mile of dick.  If it’s a 6” dick that’s 10560 up and downs.

-  Monogamy is when you have one wife. Monotony, too.

-  Every family has secrets, probably.  It’s impossible to know since they don’t share them.

-  At least Sisyphus had a job.

-  “Blunt Force Trauma”  TV show about a Rastafarian paramedic.  

-  In the entire Bible not one person gets hit in the nuts.  

-  Kristy wore vintage clothes.  They were new but covered in wine.  

-  Elvis = Levis, all shook up.

-  The greatness of humans over animals is proven by this sentence.

-  Movie idea: “Priestly” Jason Priestly plays a Catholic priest with a wandering eye at an all-girls school.  

-  Pizza is a grilled cheese sandwich with half the effort.  

-  Isn’t it weird that “prefix” has a prefix?

-  “I have no pride,” said the orphaned lion.  

-  I’m holding myself back.  And that takes a lot of flexibility.  

-  “In the beginning God created heaven and earth and vampires...” [beginning to a bestselling novel]

-  Jesus saves, but what good did it do him?  He didn’t even retire.

-  The word “efficient” isn’t.

-  The man who said human beings aren’t reflective never looked in a mirror.  

-  If Shakespeare’s so great why don’t people write like him anymore?  

-  Thank god for all the wars, without them there’d never be history.

-  Keeping your head above water is suicide for a fish.

-  How did people sleep before pillows?

-  I was watching the television for hours yesterday.  I got bored, so I turned it on.

-  If, once a year, we had to take a bite of a homeless person, we’d treat them much differently.  

-  “Speaking the truth is painful, but try hearing it!”  

-  I’m terrified I’ll be playing iTunes shuffle at a party and one of my recorded therapy sessions will comes on.

-  What do you call it when two hippies pass away at the same time?   Tie die.

-  Nothings says, “I don’t want to do more than I absolutely have to,” than fastening only one clip of your overalls.

-  It’s hard to convince a girl to sleep with you after you’ve mocked her dream catcher.

-  You say who cares about punctuation.  I say, “H.I.V., Free!”

-  Boogers evolved to be tasty to prevent us from suffocating.

-  Why do obese sluts like fascist governments?  Dick taters.  

-  Meat is murder, but only like third or fourth degree.

-  Do you think meerkats feel diminished by their name?  

-  One day I hope to say this sentence, “Chill baby, I’ve got a dental dam.”  

-  Corn Maze.  Isn’t that redundant?

I am grateful I got to share with y’all. Would love to hear you.

[email protected]
Los Angeles

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