Why did I cling to him? New neighborhood, new school, new hormones, summer before freshman year in high school, like a (not so innocent) moth to a (bonfire) flame. From the age of 13 to 22, I took him in like poison, drop by drop. I still occasionally fight the thoughts and self doubt put in place over 8 years ago. You couldn't tell me anything; I would defend him and make you sorry you ever questioned our relationship. Through cheating, verbal abuse, physical altercations, humiliation, and manipulation, I let that poison take over my young mind. Like a drop of ink in water, it spread inside me, it took over my thoughts. What he said about my imperfections had to be true, right? What he wanted, I would fight to give him. I loved him more than I loved myself and destructively gave him everything I had so he would feel the same about me. I knew deep down it wasn't what love was supposed to be.
I had a loving home, with parents that still have me in awe of their love for one another. I had an example and I knew what a healthy relationship looked like. I was going to change him, make him be the person I thought he could be! In the 8th year, it was a spring day and we had been fighting. I was on my way from college, at this point we lived together which made way for a whole new kind of control and manipulation. I maneuvered my car down the winding back road, and as tears rolled down my face, I approached train tracks. I so clearly remember thinking, feeling, so defeated. “I DO NOT CARE, I GIVE UP, and I’M TIRED”, I graphically pictured the train coming, and me, in that defeat, not reacting, not caring what happened to me. Genuinely not caring.
I cry now, for the feeble girl I was. It was in that moment, on that familiar road, I realized that I was lost.
That was the start of the end for us. That time in my life made me the wife, the woman, the mother, the daughter, the dreamer I am today. I hope to bring young girls in schools, and in my community to the mat for self-love. For I found the hard way, in life, like in yoga, all the strength and love I need, is within me.
In every pose, a building, I am the foundation, with unique lines and beautiful architecture, imperfections and clutter. On the mat...every breath, a renovation.. letting way to off the mat... a revelation! Clearing the clutter, cleaning up the negative. Self- love, positive body image, confidence in our uniqueness and intelligence…..strength in the positive, that’s what I want to teach, teach teachers to teach, mothers, fathers, communities. My gift to you: You are strong, you are enough, in you, find love and never be lost.
xoxo 2013 Yoga Teacher Training Graduate,
YJ
[email protected]
Maryland