Maybe life isn't for everyone

April 19 2017

This opportunity came at the worst possible time. When I'm at my absolute worst, and have no motivation to do anything at all. I almost passed on this chance.

- I miss my grandma a lot.
- I still haven't come to terms with the death of my friend, it's been 4 years now.
- I miss her a lot.
- I tried taking my life once and failed at it.
- I love squirrels, cats and whales way too much.
- I am listening to a lot of korean pop these days. It's a whole new world.
- I think I'm not willing to live my life. I'm just surviving.
- I have a very strong craving right now, for grilled chicken.
- I want to see the northern lights once in my life.

Is it wrong to feel this life isn't meant for us? Is it wrong to just give up? I've been struggling with this for quite some time now. It keeps me up at night and it only gets worse. Barely surviving. I wish I could trade places with someone who left this world too soon, someone who would've made a difference. I wish I could trade places with her. She was the brightest star. She deserves to be in this world. She'd make a difference. This world needs more nice people. I try my best to be genuinely nice to everyone around me. But sometimes I do get influenced by a lot of toxic people and it messes up my mind. I just hate it when that happens. That's not me.

To the one that got away

I'm sorry for what I put you through. You didn't deserve it. I wish I could take it all back, but it's too late now I suppose. I tried, I tried my best. But somehow, I only ended up hurting you when it was never my intention. There is something wrong up there, in my head. You just ran into someone who gave up on life and is holding onto a thread. And I dragged you down into my hellhole. I'm so sorry. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me someday. I never imagine I'd feel love again, but you made it possible. And I messed it all up. I'm so sorry. I hope you know somewhere deep down that your happiness was and still is the most important thing to me. Even though the time we spent together was short-lived, whenever I look back, it feels like I lived a lifetime with you.

I wish things would've been different. Maybe in another life we will be together and happy. Maybe I'll get to hold your hand again, hug you again and kiss you on your cheeks before leaving and watch that nose crinkle. Maybe in another life you will feel the same way I feel for you.I hope you always stay happy. For the amount of love and care you shower to everyone around you, I hope you get that back ten-folds and much more than that because you deserve it. I miss you.

Thank you for reading this. Before I end, I would like to recommend 3 songs and 1 movie.

Crush - fall(어떻게 지내)
The Calling — Stigmatized
헤이즈 - 저 별

Saedeu Mubi - (2005 - Sad Movie)

Life's good. Hope you have a good day.

Jungshook V
Some blue pale dot
[email protected]

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