A lifetime of pain condensed into a few weeks, released as eyes open to what has been in front of me the whole time. Winning the list serve was no surprise. It was the final piece of recovery from my darkest hours yet. There are no coincidences.
3 years ago I met the love of my life. Shy yet intrigued, I mustered the courage to introduce myself. We took it slow, dates, art shows, eventually intimacy. Casual but fantastic. More time together, a Polish Ambassador concert and the most passionate night of our lives.
She is the one.
But I have past loves, mentally unstable, poly-amorous, and a terrible communicator. She wants commitment, I agree. But my past still resides inside. I cheat, but come clean. She is rightfully upset, almost breaks it off, yet forgives me, we heal.
She is the one.
We move to Seattle, find a dream house. Work comes slow, we scrape by. She grows her art, I land a “dream job” hosting Cannabis events. February 2015, I am DJing a set atop the Vegas strip, schmoozing with Tommy Chong and the founder of Instagram.
“We have made it” I think to myself.
But, long hours, a sociopath boss, agressive roommates, past loves, little focus on grounding ourselves. She grows wary, I am convinced it will work She intuits the coming crisis, yet remains supportive.
After weeks of 18 hour days, I have my first ever manic episode. Blurry vision, vomiting, thoughts so dark even George Carlin and Kung-Fu Panda can’t free me from despair. Awake for days, we decide to head home to the Midwest.
Summer 2015, Convinced I have failed us, I search for meaning. She meets another love at a festival, I am devastated and vow to change, she believes in me, we are together again. I get back on my feet; work, therapy, medication. Our lease expires, we find separate housing. On and off in the fall, love and passion, yet anger and uncertainty. Winter looms, I find work in Florida. I don’t want to drag her across the country again, she stays. We vow to make it work long distance
Spring 2016. She grows her art, I find an acceptable job and settle into a great routine. We are both building ourselves, communicating, visiting, the spark remains, this will work, the distance is temporary.
She is the one.
A month ago, she visits, we plan so many things to grow our relationship. None of them pan out. We fight, and become nervous around each other. But plan to get through, we will find a way,
She is the one.
She leaves, off to Colorado to perform and connect with the circus scene.
When she returns home, I sense a shift. 2 weeks later, an email hinting at new love and prospects, she’s confused yet certain.
I am manic once again, no food or sleep for days. My need for answers pushes her away, she asks for space, I can’t comply. Tensions mount, mania expands, I end my Florida life in a week and head home. That was 3 days ago. Our future is uncertain,but
She is the one
Her name is Sophie SpaceGypsy an inspiration and beacon of love for the world, and a blossoming circus performer. She deserves to shine. Please support her if you can (@sophiespacegypsy)
I am Dr Beatz (@DrBtz) - an EDM producer with visions of sustainable touring and technological utopia.
Hit me up about ANYTHING!!! Connections are what drive us, art will save us, beauty is everywhere. I know that because of her.
Dr. Beatz
[email protected]
Madison WI USA