Shame and Resilience

April 10 2016

Spirituality, Psychosis, Travel, Trauma, BDSM (all mixed up)


Since I’m me, I want to talk about me.

There is a lot to say. Sorry if I’m not very articulate. I'm writing this last minute due to my procrastination and a funeral yesterday.

I recently turned 24, I always like to explore. At 21, I quit my corporate job and dropped out of college to travel the world. I managed to travel the states.

I prepared for a year and saved my money. In November 2013 I began my travels; I took trains from the east coast to the west coast. With some money, a big backpack, some clothes, some camping gear I headed out to nowhere. Met some nice people and made lifelong friends. I stayed at some hostels. Worked on some farms. Bought a camper van that lasted a little while. Did some camping and some hiking. Got stranded on highway 1 (a whole story in itself.). Met a girl on the run (a whole story in itself.) Picked up some hitchhikers (stories in itself.). Did some hitchhiking. Learned a lot. Travelling alone for months at a time was the best thing Iv'e ever done.

I was on a journey to give up giving up attachment….

I learned a few things like “Always ask a blind man what he sees”

or “Chop the Buddha’s head off”

and “Sometimes when there is a sudden void, the void rushes to be filled".....

It was an objection to my projection, seeking attention. “Where the attention goes energy flows.” What kind of attention did I seek? What kind of attention would I attract?

I grew up in a super insular suppressed religious community and I needed to go explore myself.

Back then I would say I was going to travel because I needed to spend time alone. I ended up meeting hundreds of people. Mostly wonderful people.

Only one psychopath. (Term used loosely) He traumatized me. But he gave me a lot of insight into myself. He particularly gave me insight into my biological mother (who I hadn't seen in many years). Who I subsequently called.

After getting away from this guy. I found myself doing yoga for the first time in my life. I had been 'into' meditation for about two years at the time.
I met a fellow named Bill who did yoga with me. Outside in sun.

Then some strange things started coming together.

After years of my shoulders being by my ears my back started straightening out. A strange tingling feeling ran up and down my spine. My body went from hot to cold. I would lapse easily into a trance.
I started going back to my childhood. Things I have repressed.

I sent home my 'spiritual books' Ram Dass - Be Here Now and Alan Watts - The Way of Zen. There great. But I had to face this on my own.

I realized what I called: Trauma. It was fucking staring me in the face a whole time.

I cried and laughed. I realized I had massive trauma from my childhood that I had been running from. And I started realizing how it affected me. The way I interacted with people. The type of people my energy attracted.

A major point is: it wasn't my fault. Stockholm syndrome comes to mind. Its survival. I never knew better. A defense/ coping mechanism.

Trauma attracts trauma. Trauma passes trauma. Does trauma fix trauma?

I also realized my suppression and repression. Particularly sexually - which I will talk about.

I'll say my mother was quite abusive.
I called my mother.
I was up for days straight without sleeping.
Managed to lose all my belongings.
Get arrested and spend a night in jail.

“Sometimes when there is a sudden void, the void rushes to be filled" -A man named Red

Thoughts running through my brain. Insights. Illusion. Confusion. Delusion.

I learned so much about myself. And the universe. I am still learning from this experience.

I also finally started to admit to myself the closet I have been in all my life. Its the BDSM closet.

There is probably many reasons but secrets and suppression can lead to mania and psychosis.

This episode was the best feeling in my life and the most terrifying feeling of my life.

I ended up stretching my ham strings and dancing on a shoulder of a highway.

Then I had a cop pointed at taser at me arrested me and brought me in to the emergency room. There, I was strapped down to a gurney. And given a shot in my arm. I woke up in a psychiatric hospital. Where I spent the next 2 weeks.

I'm running out of time.

But let me say.

To those of you who have had psychiatric issues, You Can Bounce back. You can make a life for yourself. It's terrible, I don't need to go into our pain. But YES you can be okay. Please I beg you. Love yourself. Forgive yourself and forgive yourself for having to forgive yourself.

To my kinky friends out there. Rock on! I'm still exploring myself. I still want answers. I am still discovering.
I've felt isolated. Disgusted by myself. And the shame.....oh the shame.....

I managed to get my shit together. I'm blessed. Thanks for reading. Have a good one.

So that's the short confusiong version.

Feel free to write to me.

[email protected]
New York City


Recent readings: Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance

This dude named Armand Dimele, changed my life.
The positive mind dot com

Also I lost a journal if anyone ever found a black journal somewhere in the US with no name in it.
The first date entry is November 3, 2013.

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