I gradually ramped up over the course of about 3 hours with 30mg MXE sublingual, 10mg MXE sublingual, then 10mg MXE rectal plus 10mg DPT rectal, an finally 40mg MXE sublingual. Up until about 20 minutes after the final dose, I had been sitting up with dim lights on reading a short story collection (Jeff VanderMeer - who, by the way, produces some truly surreal fiction that can be incredible to experience with disassociatives).Something struck me as funny and I put the book away. I started to think about the "cosmic joke," which in my understanding is that we are each a living paradox, unable to comprehend the meaning of existence but capable of recognizing that fact. I then perceived a playful invisible presence in the room that seemed to be joyfully tickling my sense of irony and humor and pleasantly surprised that I was aware of it. I started to laugh and felt comforted and at peace.
At that point I turned off the lights, lay down, and put in my ear buds with Yo La Tengo's instrumental album "Sounds of the Sounds of Science." This synergized nicely and lulled me into a trance. I was starting to truly "hole" for the first time, feeling like I was sinking into a deep pit and no longer present in the here-and-now. Serious time dilation set in. At this point a grating track came on and I emerged long enough to switch to Mitski's "Bury Me At Makeout Creek." I started to experience massive waves of magnified emotional content from each lyric, phasing in and out between self-awareness and just *being* the music itself. The track "I Don't Smoke" came on, and when the following lyrics played:
"If you need to be mean be mean to me / I can take it and put it inside of me / if your hands need to break more than trinkets in your room / you can lean on my arm as you break my heart"
... I knew it was a/the deity speaking directly to me, offering to accept, validate, and transform every ounce of sorrow I have ever experienced. I turned off the music and was quiet for a little while, then I felt an incredibly massive wave of gratitude, acceptance, and worship. I am naturally skeptical and have been agnostic as long as I've been able to reason about it. It was like I suddenly became religious, like I experienced the exact inverse of my normal state - I knew and was embraced by a very specific embodiment of THE deity. I started sobbing and thanking god for revealing itself to me, for choosing to grant me a moment of relief from the uncertainty of seeking truth in this life.
I slowly re-connected with the present and time began to pass at a normal pace.
At the peak of this experience, I understood it to be completely real and factual. Three weeks later It's hard to know what to believe.
Well my darlings, I am suffering, and I need your help.
I know you suffer, an I am here for you.