I spent most of my life believing that if you were gay, you must have known it from a young age. Most of the coming-out stories I had heard involved always feeling different and just knowing that you were, most definitely, not straight. I believed this until about three years ago.
Three years ago, I found myself in a social group of mostly gay women and whenever I was asked if I was gay, I said no. This was not a lie. I have self identified as straight my whole life…I’ve had crushes on boys since I was in elementary school and I’ve had many dates, boyfriends, lovers, etc. Maybe it didn’t always work out and maybe I didn’t find ‘the one’, but I loved men and I never had a crush on a girl…so I was straight, obviously. Right? Well, no, not exactly.
When I first met her, I just couldn’t stop staring. Soon we started talking and I felt compelled to always be near her. Anytime we were in a group of friends, I had to stand near her. It felt almost subconscious, this desire to be around her. I couldn’t form thoughts or words to explain it. Then one day she took my hand and that was pretty much it. It was unlike anything else I had ever felt. We’ve been together since that day.
In between the sighs and swoons of those first few months, I kept thinking ‘how did i not know that i was gay? how do you get to 32 and not know? am i so clueless about who i am???’. It was a real struggle to figure out how I wanted to identify. It was a crisis of self way after I thought those things were over. I didn’t feel gay or straight or bi or anything really. I read that bisexual women have a higher rate of anxiety and depression than straight or gay women and I can completely understand why.
Why am I telling all of you this? Because it’s hard to not fit. It’s hard to not feel like you are like everyone else. Your struggle isn’t exactly like mine and mine isn’t like yours, but we’ve all got one. Everyones’ struggle is real.
I don’t wonder quite so much about what i want to call myself these days. I really just feel like a queer person. Most specifically a queer weirdo and I feel good about that one.
I would love to hear from anyone that feels like a queer weirdo! Let’s talk/type at each other and then maybe send some postcards or other real-life mail. Bonus if you’d like to talk about Uhh Yeah Dude, immunohematology, Ru Paul’s Drag Race, Bob Dylan, button-making, Mix-tapes, or Twin Peaks.