July 16 2014

I dated a girl in Canada for less than six months back in 2006. I still think about her all the time. I’m not sure if that has as much to do with her as it does with who I was at the time. I want to be that guy again.

Before that, I dated a girl, on and off, for about five years, maybe more. Neither of us was very serious about it, or so I thought. She made a point of telling me I wasn’t the one she was looking for, but in retrospect, I think she said that because she knew I felt that way. I think she felt more for me than I did and I wish I’d been mature enough at the time to see how wonderful she was to me. I still think about her a lot, and feel quite a bit of affection for her. She was a really good person. I think she’s happy now, and that makes me feel a little better.

During a longer break with the girl above, I had a short relationship with a girl who had two kids. They took me into their lives quickly and I became part of theirs. I enjoyed playing the family man, the surrogate dad, I could see myself staying there. I like to tell myself that I backed away because of her politics; she was far to the right of me, and her job as a police officer had made her, frankly, somewhat of a racist. The truth, however, is that I left her because she had a literal mountain of debt, and I knew that if I married her I was also marrying the debt.

At some point in all this I dated a girl who cheated on me. She was heavily into bondage, apparently just not with me.

Going back even further, I was married for ten years to a girl I met in college. It was enjoyable, although we argued too much. We kept finding reasons not to have any kids; money, jobs… that was for the best I guess. Things worked out for her, she remarried, had a kid, and seems happy.

Currently though, I’m staring down the barrel of 50, and married to a woman who hates me. I’m too fat, I don’t make enough money, and I’m mean. I’m sad, she’s always angry. I’m not sure what we’re going to do, maybe we’ll get divorced. I’m trying to get in better shape, make more money, be nicer… the last thing bothers me because none of the women above ever thought I was mean. Even after breaking up I remained quite cordial, if not downright friendly, with all of them (the cheater excluded).

I still love my wife despite her feelings towards me, and hope that we can patch this thing back together. We do have two small children. I’m twisted up over the idea of a divorce, but I do know that if my wife and I can’t repair the relationship, a divorce may actually be the better solution for the children.

No, I don’t need any advice, not attaching an email to this. I just hope you found this brief look into my life to be as interesting as it was to live it.

Mid-Atlantic, United States

comments powered by Disqus