I hope this day is good.

March 27 2014

Words get stuck in my head a lot. People will say something, or I'll read a quote, or hear a song and it will be there for the next few weeks, or months, or years. Many times, it is there, floating above the head of the person who said it in perpetuity. The words slice into my skin and stay there. Sometimes I write them on my arms and legs. I don't have any tattoos yet. I haven't found anything that I have wanted for long enough.

I spent forever wrapping myself in paper and rope, hoping no one would see all the emotions in me, because they were all so ugly. Now my person tells me that "sometimes, you scare me with the way you act so easily." It's a nicer way to say that I'm a liar. A lifetime of self defense seeps into my words. I am sorry if that scares you. It scares me too. I like to write in my little blog, I can unhinge my jaw and tell the truth. That's my rule for when I write. I have to tell the truth. The stories have to be true.

Once someone tried to drown me. It didn't work out too well, but it made my trust issues so much bigger.

Sometimes making through the day or the week is a struggle.

I'm kind of particular about what I spend time on, but people I can be generous with. I mix hostility and kindness easily, but it's all in my mind. I am the best person I can be when I can help or hold someone, or provide a listening ear.

I love it when people laugh. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do make me laugh like you wouldn't believe. I'm a cackler. It is cathartic. Cats and goats never fail to make me laugh. Clever writing can get me.

I love stories of all kinds. Please feel free to write to me and tell your stories or thoughts, or your favorite song or poem or show or movie and why. Or don't. I'd love to make new friends and talk to new people. I love to get excited about new things, which generally means anything. I'm a blank slate in most departments, I haven't seen any of the world or many of the people in it and I promise to talk to anyone who wants to talk to me. Tell me about things you love and things you hate and things that make you cackle, because I really hope I'm not the only person who laughs like that.

The most important things I've figured out so far in this life (22 years, wow) are that apologies can make or break the connections you have. Decide which you want to do. Either can be okay. If it helps your mental health, go outside and scream loudly. Just not next to the neighbors. Make it a point to not hurt people. Don't be afraid to comfort people. Hold their hand or just sit and be with them. The kindest moments in my life have involved people just sitting and being quiet with me. The precious words that are always in my head are not always comforting. Just think and be kind. That's the best I could ever hope to tell anyone.

Thanks for reading the ramblings. I'll gladly read and respond to anyone who wants me to . The emails I get help me to feel loved.


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