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February 11 2014

Two testimonies to our collective ingenuity:

1. I went to a bathroom stall and found a small whiteboard on the back of the stall door, with a magnetic dry erase marker attached to it. This was to mitigate the problem of bathroom graffiti by allowing people who feel the need to express themselves to do so in a way that is considered socially acceptable.
2. Someone had directly scratched into the whiteboard in order to vandalize it.

I think I had a good day today, but I try not to think about that. Just because I feel good doesn't mean that I'm doing the healthiest steps to handle my depression. The reverse applies too; I can have a productive and exciting day and still feel like shit the entire time. But one of these is better than the other, for me at least.

Overload this with salt, as you should probably only take advice from people you want to end up like. I try not to think about results whenever presented with things I can't control, so that my actions are more important than the actual outcome. For instance, in a poker game, there's always an element of variability. You can make a play that a hundred professionals would do, and still lose to some statistical anomaly when it comes time to reveal. The most important thing is that all 101 of you still played correctly.

My mood is sporadic, sometimes manic, and maybe its own entity, so it's extremely hard to figure out what's working or not. I just have to keep incorporating as many processes from what I've learned that will help as much possible. And it's all very personal to me, I want to figure it out myself, as hypocritical as it is to give you a huge gaping hint. (and if you're like me, and get angry when people tell you tips you already know, I'm sorry. I tell myself that they only mean the best. (I'm sorry again.))

It's probably because that's the best part- figuring out how to conduct yourself, learning what creates happiness for you and those around you, and like it's all one giant puzzle. Admittedly, I've noticed I laugh a lot more now, probably because I've spent so much time creating lens to view things in hilarious ways for myself.

The reason that I thought today was a good day was because I woke up in the morning on time and went to a photoshoot where I was able to comfortably crossdress and wear makeup in front of people I knew. Then at work I created two posters that my clients were satisfied with. Then I helped out with an event in which I had volunteered doing the MCing for, and bombed awkwardly in front of a full house- but found myself thankful for the resilience I've built from the experience of being on stage. Then I went home, jerked off, and then wrote this listserve email twice because I wrote the first one in a word count website that doesn't save text when you accidentally go back a page. Plus, my mood is okay for now, which I appreciate.

That said, I really hope that this email doesn't come off as some story with a happy ending about how I got better because of some oversimplified idea I have. I'm still doing fucking terrible. Happy endings are only sad stories that you don't know the endings to, anyway.

Then again, a scratch on a white board still prevents a scratch on the bathroom stall.

[email protected]
Anchorage, Alaska

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