I hope you don't delete after the first sentence....

October 14 2013

If you are anything like me you will probably delete this email after the first sentence or two. I really do judge your listserve submissions on their headlining first sentence. If you preach at me then DELETE. If you try and tell me something life-affirming then DELETE. I am not being mean spirited I just think most of us don't know what to say when we win this lottery and so we try to be all noble and knowing. Usually it just doesn't work and I quickly become disinterested. I am also way beyond the demographic of the listserve. You all appear to be early 20's with blogs and stuff. I am in my 40's and wouldn't know what a blog is. I also seem to get a lot of emails from Americans. I find Americans to be ever so slightly gullible. Just saying. Great teeth though.

Anyway, he is my stab at a decent listserve:

I work for the emergency services in the UK and so I thought I would share a few 'inappropriate 999' calls with you all:

'my online shopping has not arrived...' Really. I mean how is this a 999 call? Unless you have ordered life saving blood plasma I am hanging up right now.

'there is a cat in the street. It is meowing. It's owner may be hurt....' Oh come on. It's not fucking Lassie.

'there is a dog barking. It's owner may be hurt....' Jesus Christ. The dog may be Lassie but we no longer have wells which people fall down.

'There is a family of ducks crossing the road.....'. Are you seeing a pattern here? We Brits are a nation of animal lovers. We in the emergency services take a sterner view. Mamma duck will have to take her chances.

'I am drunk, can I have a lift home from the police?'. Sod off.

'The horror film on the TV is scaring me...' Kill me now.

'My ex-wife will not let me see the children....' That's because you punched her on the nose. Go see a solicitor Rocky.

'There is a bailiff at the door trying to take my car/house/TV/cat/dog (delete as appropriate)...'. Pay your bills like the rest of us.

'I am homeless because I turned my house into a crack den and the council evicted me. You have to find me somewhere to live...' No I don't.

All of the above really are genuine 999 calls made to the police. The one about the cat meowing was not taken by me - the rest were. By inappropriately using 999 they stop real emergencies from being answered quickly. Enough preaching.

Thank you to the Listserve for providing me with a daily email - some are dull but sometimes there is an absolute cracker waiting for me in my inbox. Feel free to over feedback - if you live by the sword etc...

regards to all, wherever you may be (probably the USA),

[email protected]
Northern England

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